How I'll REALLY spend my time:

So basically, I'll be eating my face off and washing it down with mint juleps.
I might just come back a fatty.
But a happy fatty at that.

New Orleans!

How I plan to spend my time.............................................................

Just kidding.

Long Live Mr. Ramirez...

Our love runs endlessly, little man, just like those looong horsey legs of yours.

Finally, peace in your sweet, tiny heart.

XO

It's SNOWING! REALLY! IT IS!

A trip back in time with Calvin & Hobbes.
I seriously loved these dudes back in the day.

Blood on the wall tonight.
It's Friday.

SNOW! SNOW! SNOW!

Sporn Part Deux

A few new gems from my inbox that I just couldn't keep for myself:
"Lengthen your jang" - slang for junk = jang???
"Tell the girls about your new asset" - No. Really. Don't.
"Proven effect for your harder boner!" - haaaa, you said boner.
"Hidden in your pants is A Hollywood Story that's incredible" - no comment.
"Your 9inch MONSTER will rock them dry!" - great. now I'm back to sleeping with the light on.
"Your new schlong will win more prizes!" - especially when you take it to a raffle!
"Ever wished a bigger baby-maker?" - well, when you put it that way...
"It plumps when you take 'em" - haaaa, you said plump
"Research has revealed that your penis has the ability" - to do cartwheels? make pancakes? do tell.
"Kings had big ones" - therefore, so did queens.
"Tower of love" - simply put. and a good way to get slapped.
"Rooster-challenged men can now improve their lives" - rooster? really?
"Change your tiny tool into a power drill!" - or a chainsaw! or even a lawn-mower!
.
Next time you have to wear a nametag, you may want to consider one of the following:
"John FuckstickKing-sized"
"Jerold SizeableDick"
"Sondra ErectileorganFull-size"
"Juliana King-sizedBodypart"
"Andrew CockBiggish"
"Carley PenisWalloping"
"Roger DickEnormous"
"Adolph ElephantineCock"
.
And my favorite of them all, which I'm considering having added to the dictionary:
"Serpentanize" - verb.
The simple, to the point term for attempting to grow a penis and getting majorly ripped off at the same time.

Weekend in pictures...

Just delivered to my desk.

I now feel exactly like the girl on the box.

Fiddle dee DOH!

David Garrett.
Child prodigy, former model, Juilliard graduate, classical violinist.
Played with the London Philharmonic before he was even ten.
He tripped as he was leaving a performance in December, crushing his 1 million dollar violin to pieces.
It was made in 1772.
"I had it over my shoulder in its case and I fell down a concrete flight of stairs backward."
Dude, you shouldn't be playing the violin anyway!
You should be a stuntman.

Headlines that made me laugh

• Meth Deposited in ATM, Woman Jailed
• Why you'll never own a home
• U.S. to launch missile at satellite
• Does animal training work in marriages?
• See Ricky Martin onstage & off

Valentines Deconstructed

The first recorded association of Valentine's Day with romance and love is in "Parlement of Foules" by Chaucer, which was written to honor the first anniversary of the engagement of King Richard II of England to Anne of Bohemia.

Please keep in mind, when they married, he was 13 or 14. She was 14.

I know I was still sleeping with the light on at 13, and am pretty sure I was still secretly playing with dolls.

Marriage? Before I even grew breasts?
I think NO.

If you adore someone, you shouldn't just shower them with love one day a year.

You should shower them with love every day.

I'm just sayin'...

I can't be sure...

but I think I just soiled myself.

The Breeders
Webster Hall
Tuesday 6/10

On sale 02/15

12:00 pm

I give you

Joe Meyer, Reserve Section Michigan State Champion studies.

You may be asking yourself "Since when did the little Meyers get so big?"

Or "Where the hell did Molly find these edge-of-my-seat images?"
Thankfully, the eldest Meyer sibling keeps me abreast of everything, from DUI's to murder trials, bastard babies to bar fights, x-rays to CHESS MATCHES, you name it!

He even refreshes my memory once in a while with old high school memorabilia and factoids.

He is the gossip-go-to for all things Suttons Bay.
Keep it coming, J Meyer, keep it coming...

dead ringer

TOTALLY!

My evening will be spent with:

I love you, you crazy man.

Please drive your desk tonight.

Thank you.

RUN FROM THIS BUG

I cannot believe this bug.
Called in sick yesterday, AGAIN.
Tossed, turned and coughed all night on Monday.
It started about 8pm. My neighbor called at 10pm.
"Are you sick?" he asked.
"I can hear you coughing up here.
Do you need anything?
Juice?
Cookies?
I have the entire first season of Golden Girls on dvd. How about that?"
Adam, if you EVER move out, I will cry for days on end.
Here is how I have occupied my time over the last week:
-20+ extra hours of sleep
-40+ cups of all kinds of tea
-3 rocks whiskies, NOT IN ONE SITTING, NOT TO GET DRUNK, STRICTLY TO KILLKILLKILL
-soupsoupsoupsoup, which now makes me want to gag
-14 Ricolas and counting
-2 rolls of toilet paper for blowing my nose

-1 mad urge to disinfect my sick-den, resulting in mopped floors and 4 washed rugs

-3 sheet changes
-1 new toothbrush
-1 visit to the polls

-1 lost voice
-23 episodes of The Golden Girls and counting
Why over-the-hill women living together in Miami appeals to me so much remains a mystery.
But I can promise you, I have ADORED this show since the day it aired, and it's funny shit.

On the lookout for a TRILLION TERRORS!

Unveiled by Bush today!

$3.1 trillion budget proposal that supports a giant increase in military funding to fight the war on TERROR and protects his signature tax cuts.
He called the document "a good, solid budget" and "innovative" because it was dispatched to Congress electronically instead of on paper.
The proposal shows the government spending $3 trillion over a 12-month period for the first time in history.
Failed policies!
Deficit-financed war spending!
Tax cuts tilted to benefit the wealthy!
And more borrowing from foreign nations!
Oh, the TERROR!
Said Bush of the proposal:
"Two key TERROR principles guided the development of my TERROR budget - keeping America safe TERROR and ensuring our continued TERROR prosperity."
GooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOO TERROR!!!!!!!!!!
Below are some fun facts about a TRILLION:
• A person given $1 million a year to spend would need 3 million years to blow $3 trillion.
• A trillion is a figure more commonly used when talking about outer space. A light year, the distance that light travels in a vacuum in a year, is about 6 trillion miles.
• There are about 6.8 billion people in the world, meaning that every living person would get $441 if the U.S. government's budget was divided up. If the money was split among the 300 million Americans, everyone would take home $10,000.

Sidenote: I think the latter is a brilliant idea and promise to vote for whichever candidate can pinky-swear that they will actually follow through with this plan.
• Counting to 3 trillion at a rate of one number a second would take almost 95,000 years.

TERROR!
freedom

one more time

look at this man.

he is the epitome of style and intellect, with a 'stache to match.

he oozes knowledge and wisdom, and all this from his clothing.

i guess, for all i know, he's the village idiot, a blubbering oaf.

but i highly doubt that.

i adore the fact that the subjects range from the very young to the elegantly old.

and the shots are taken from city to city.

bravo.

the sartorialist

let it!

it seems as though mother nature has been on the global warming wagon.

but i think she just fell off.

it's SNOWING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dead ringer: special edition!

top, Keith Stewart: farmer and author of the book my boyfriend (also Keith) is currently reading.

bottom, Keith Reynaud Senior: father of my boyfriend.

i realize this might be a little confusing because everyone is named Keith.

and i realize that the photos are really small and if your eyes are even somewhat bad you may not be able to make these out.

but i hope that's not the case.

because what you are looking at, my friends, is the definition of dead ringer.

and thanks to modern day technology, i was able to pull both men's photos from the internets.